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With Apologies to Dr. Seuss: Behold the Whatsis!

Posted by William Carius on

Was a bright Summer day
In the forest of Neard
Where everyone had a long bushy beard
For none of them had any cream, blade, or soap,
And no one really had held any hope
That there might be a way to get back to bald
So instead their growth just grew and it sprawled.
On that bright Summer day
In the forest of Neard
This weird little thing called a Whatsis appeared.

What was the Whatsis?
Well, nobody knew.
For where most of us have one face, it had two.
One moment it was scruffy, all blue and befuzzed
The next it was brushy, that weird Whatsis was.
It grew lots of arms, and moustache galore
And spoke in the strange tongues of Glerf, Narp, and Yore.
The Whatsis befuddled
The people of Neard
Who stood around spouting and stroking their beards.

What should they do
With this weird little thing?
No one could decide, and Neard had no king.
But the Whatsis then spoke
In a voice clear as day:
"I am hear to inform you that your hair’s NOT OKAY.”

"What is all this fuzz?”
It asked with alarm.
“Do you not know that you’re all doing harm?
There’s hair EVERYWHERE, and no one can walk,
Or sit down and think, or talk up and talk
We need to get rid of all of this hair
And I’ve enough lather here that you don’t need to share!"
With that, the Whatsis,
With a comforting smile
Began to make lather in the classic style

The Neardians (as people that’s what they were called)
Were just a bit nervous about being bald
They discussed with themselves, with great ruffling fluffle,
What to do about this weird thing’s great kerfuffle.
They talked and they talked and discussed the matter
While the Whatsis made ever still lots more lather
Finally they chose to give it a try
And the mayor then stepped forward and said, “Shave it high!”

It went to work quickly
With a snicker-snack-thwing!
It sure could shave well, that weird Whatsis thing.
The mayor stood stock still, his eyes closed with fright
But the Whatsis was perfect, its blade angle tight.
A brief moment later, the mayor stood quite clean
As the Whatsis examined him with an eye very keen.
With that, it then asked,
"So, how do you feel?”
“Like a brand new Neardman!” said the mayor with a squeal.

Then the crowd gave a clamor.
Each wanted to be next!
But the ruckus and noise left the Whatsis quite vexed.
A lightbulb went on; it had come up with a fix!
“I’ll need some Neardhelp! I’ll teach you my tricks!
Then you can shave yourselves when you need
To keep your beards trimmed and from growing like weeds.”

It was decided forthwith that this was a plan
And the whole forest got on board with it, man.
The Neardians began shaving and shaving each other
They shaved all their fathers and shaved all their mothers
They shaved and they shaved until no one was bearded
And gave the Whatsis a prize, the Order of Shear-Did!

So take what you will from this old fairy tale
But be sure that you let one lesson prevail:
Keep yourself groomed, even if you’re still hairy
For the failure to do so can make things quite scary
And the creature may visit
To help out where you’ve missed
Let us all be clean shaven! Behold the Whatsis!


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